Bigamy

What is the punishment for bigamy?
Two mother-in-laws.

I love being married. I was single for a long time and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always' !

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

I haven't spoken to my wife for almost an year. I don't like to interrupt her

Life Expectany

It is not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer!

Let's go out

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.

Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

Best Man

A best man's speech should be like a mini skirt - short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials.

Husband

A husband expects his wife to be perfect, and to understand why he's not.

Man and Woman

God made man before woman so the man would have some time to think of an answer for the woman's first question.

Complete Vs. Finished

When you marry the right person, you are....
COMPLETE

When you marry the wrong person, you are ...
FINISHED

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are...
COMPLETELY FINISHED

Husband and Wife

Wife: If I die what will you do?

Husband: I will become Crazy!

Wife: Hmm... then you won't marry again ?

Husband: You can never trust a crazy man!

Life ... as you have it!

In order to get a loan, you first have to prove that you don't need one.

Men and Women

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful women is one who can find such a man.

Men and Women

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Men and Women

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is a beginning of a new argument.

Men and Women

A Man will pay $2 for a $1 item he really wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item she really does not want.

Smart Guy

Young Dan, moved to Texas and bought a goat from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the goat the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the goat died.'

Dan replied,
"Well, then just give me my money back."
The farmer said,
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Dan said,
"Ok, then, just bring me the dead goat."
The farmer asked,
"What ya gonna do with him?"
Dan said,
"I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said,
"You can't raffle off a dead goat!"
Dan said,
"Sure I can Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with
Dan and asked, "What happened with that dead goat?"
Dan said,
"I raffled him off. I sold 1000 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $1898.00."
The farmer said,
"Didn't anyone complain?"

Dan said,
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock