A bit of humour for the day

Happiness

2011-12-23T17:51:00.003-08:00

I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late

Hell

2011-12-23T17:51:00.001-08:00

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her.
They got married, and now he is going through hell.

Faults

2011-12-23T17:49:00.000-08:00

If it wasn't for marriage, many men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Black and White

2011-12-23T17:44:00.001-08:00

Kid: Mommy, When people get married why does the woman wear white?

Mom: Because it's the happiest day of her life
Kid: Then why does the man wear black?

Remote Control

2011-12-23T17:42:00.001-08:00

TV has no place in love. Marriage is a fight for remote control.

2011-12-23T17:41:00.003-08:00

A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free

Tax

2011-12-23T17:41:00.001-08:00

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.

Ordering

2011-12-23T17:40:00.001-08:00

Getting married is similar to going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that

2011-12-23T17:39:00.003-08:00

Don't marry for money, you can borrow it cheaper

Mousetrap

2011-12-23T17:39:00.001-08:00

Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

Stolen Credit Card

2011-12-23T17:38:00.001-08:00

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did

Cost of Marriage

2011-12-23T17:35:00.002-08:00

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

Relatives

2011-12-23T17:35:00.000-08:00

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

Understanding

2011-12-23T17:33:00.001-08:00

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all

(Y)earning

2011-12-23T17:32:00.003-08:00

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

Eye Opener

2011-12-23T17:32:00.001-08:00

Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener

Let me in...!

2011-12-23T17:31:00.002-08:00

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.

Shopping

2011-12-23T17:31:00.000-08:00

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

2011-12-23T17:27:00.005-08:00

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

2011-12-23T17:27:00.001-08:00

Marriage is not a word, it is a sentence - a life sentence.

Bigamy

2011-12-23T17:26:00.001-08:00

What is the punishment for bigamy?
Two mother-in-laws.

2011-12-23T17:25:00.001-08:00

I love being married. I was single for a long time and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences

2011-12-23T17:15:00.000-08:00

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always' !

2011-12-23T17:14:00.005-08:00

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

2011-12-23T17:14:00.001-08:00

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

2011-12-23T17:13:00.001-08:00

I haven't spoken to my wife for almost an year. I don't like to interrupt her

Life Expectany

2011-12-23T17:12:00.001-08:00

It is not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer!

Let's go out

2011-12-23T17:11:00.001-08:00

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.

Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

Best Man

2011-08-23T16:11:00.000-07:00

A best man's speech should be like a mini skirt - short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials.

Husband

2011-08-23T16:07:00.001-07:00

A husband expects his wife to be perfect, and to understand why he's not.

Man and Woman

2011-08-23T11:34:00.000-07:00

God made man before woman so the man would have some time to think of an answer for the woman's first question.

Complete Vs. Finished

2011-08-18T12:08:00.000-07:00

When you marry the right person, you are....
COMPLETE

When you marry the wrong person, you are ...
FINISHED

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are...
COMPLETELY FINISHED

Husband and Wife

2011-08-18T11:56:00.000-07:00

Wife: If I die what will you do?

Husband: I will become Crazy!

Wife: Hmm... then you won't marry again ?

Husband: You can never trust a crazy man!

Life ... as you have it!

2011-08-17T16:39:00.001-07:00

In order to get a loan, you first have to prove that you don't need one.

Men and Women

2011-08-17T16:30:00.000-07:00

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful women is one who can find such a man.

Men and Women

2011-08-17T16:28:00.000-07:00

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Men and Women

2011-08-17T16:26:00.000-07:00

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is a beginning of a new argument.

Men and Women

2011-08-17T16:22:00.000-07:00

A Man will pay $2 for a $1 item he really wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item she really does not want.

Smart Guy

2010-08-18T11:51:00.000-07:00

Young Dan, moved to Texas and bought a goat from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the goat the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the goat died.'

Dan replied,
"Well, then just give me my money back."
The farmer said,
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Dan said,
"Ok, then, just bring me the dead goat."
The farmer asked,
"What ya gonna do with him?"
Dan said,
"I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said,
"You can't raffle off a dead goat!"
Dan said,
"Sure I can Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with
Dan and asked, "What happened with that dead goat?"
Dan said,
"I raffled him off. I sold 1000 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $1898.00."
The farmer said,
"Didn't anyone complain?"

Dan said,
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

2010-08-17T16:32:00.000-07:00

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock

Cost of Marriage

2009-08-20T10:17:00.000-07:00

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying

Job Interview

2009-08-19T11:17:00.000-07:00

Two young engineers applied for the same job at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Manager. On completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.

The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we have decided to give the job to the other applicant."

"And why would you be doing that ? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

"Simple, "said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question No. 6, "I don`t know" and You put down, "Neither do I".

Looking Good

2009-08-19T10:14:00.001-07:00

While her husband was lying down, his wife removed his glasses. "You know, honey," she said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."

"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

Errors

2009-08-17T16:36:00.000-07:00

To Err is human.
To forgive is not company policy.

Anniversaries

2009-08-17T10:26:00.000-07:00

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".

"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

Brains

2009-08-17T10:20:00.001-07:00

Husband: U know dear, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!

Absent Minded Husband

2009-08-17T10:19:00.001-07:00

An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and their anniversary. He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband."

His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day, some bouquets later, when he came home, kissed his wife and said off-handedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"

No Speaks...

2009-08-17T10:18:00.001-07:00

Following an especially angry argument, Mr. and Mrs. Patel went to bed not speaking to each other. Needing to arise early the following morning, Mr. Patel left a note on his wife's bedside table that said "Wake me at six."

An exasperated Mr. Patel awoke at ten the following morning and rolled stiffly out of bed to see a note on his bedside table:
"It's six, you bum! Get out of bed!"

Equality

2009-08-17T10:16:00.000-07:00

What do you call a woman who works as hard as a man? - LAZY!

Guess Who?

2009-08-17T10:15:00.000-07:00

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.

"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."

Man of the House

2009-08-17T10:13:00.000-07:00

What is a man's idea of housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

2009-08-16T22:35:00.000-07:00

When a man opens the car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife

Staying Young

2009-08-16T22:29:00.000-07:00

:You are in incredible shape," the doctor said. "How old are you again?"

"I'm 78." The man said.

"78?" asked the doctor. "How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60 year old."

"Well," the man explained, "my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad with me, she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside to settle down."

"What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor.

"I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."

2009-08-16T22:18:00.001-07:00

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

2009-08-16T22:08:00.001-07:00

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

2009-08-16T22:07:00.001-07:00

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.

2009-08-16T22:06:00.000-07:00

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

2009-08-16T22:05:00.000-07:00

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Funny Bumper Stickers

2009-08-14T05:33:00.000-07:00

Watch out for the idiot behind me!

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Don't Follow me I am LOST!

A clean car is a sign if sick mind.

Anything Free Is Worth What You Pay For It.

Honk if you hate noise pollution.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!

Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it!

I Used To Have A Handle On Life, But It Broke.

Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill it.

You are right where you belong, behind me!

Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.

Make yourself at home .....clean my kitchen

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Complaints

2009-08-14T05:30:00.000-07:00

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.

"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

Men and Women

2009-08-14T05:23:00.001-07:00

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Success

2009-08-13T11:36:00.001-07:00

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Man and Women

2009-08-13T11:34:00.000-07:00

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Future

2009-08-12T14:21:00.001-07:00

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Change

2009-08-12T14:19:00.002-07:00

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

Deals

2009-08-12T14:19:00.001-07:00

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

Last Word

2009-08-12T14:16:00.000-07:00

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Marriage

2009-08-12T09:17:00.001-07:00

Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Married or Single

2009-08-12T09:16:00.002-07:00

Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Men and Women

2009-08-12T09:16:00.001-07:00

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.

Engineer's Mind

2009-08-12T09:12:00.001-07:00

Most people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Tech Support

2009-06-10T09:38:00.000-07:00

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"

Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."

Tech Support: "Well?"

Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"

Light Bulb and Programmers

2009-06-09T08:57:00.001-07:00

How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, that''s a hardware problem.

Be politically correct

2009-06-08T17:47:00.000-07:00

How to be politically correct with women -

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.
She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.
She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

Translations for men

2009-06-08T17:33:00.000-07:00

These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every carI've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated: "I make the messes; she cleans them up."

Technology

2009-06-08T17:29:00.000-07:00

The goal of Technology is to build something that will last at least until we've finished building it.

2009-06-08T17:27:00.000-07:00

Question: Definition of an upgrade?
Answer: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

Question: How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?
Answer: Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."

Question: What do computers eat when they get hungry?
Answer: Chips.

Question: How is the new iMac like a woman?
Answer: Neither one will take a 3 1/2 inch floppy and they both like a big hard drive.

Question: Why all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis?
Answer: Because it is below C level.

Question: What's the difference between Windows 95 and a virus?
Answer: A virus does something.

Question: Why is sex like software?
Answer: For everyone who pays for it, there are hundreds getting it for free.

Tech Support

2009-06-05T08:22:00.000-07:00

Tech Support: "How can I help you?"

Customer: "Well, everything is working fine, but there is one program that is not."

Tech Support: "What program is it?"

Customer: "It's called 'MSDOS Prompt'."

Tech Support: "What's wrong with it?"

Customer: "Well, I click on it, a black screen shows up with NOTHING but a sign that reads: 'C:WINDOWS', and it just sits there and doesn't do anything. I have to turn off the system to go back to Windows."The bad computer..

Customer: "The computer told me it had contagious memory. Does it have a virus?"

Tech Support: "No, that is 'contiguous' memory, as in 'sequential'."

Customer: "That is impossible, it said 'contagious'."

Tech Support: "Type 'mem' and hit the 'enter' key."

Customer: "Oh."

Tech Support: What happened?

Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."CD-Rom..

Tech Support: "which drive is your CD ROM?"

Customer: "the top one."F8..

Tech Support: Please hit F8

Customer: "Do I hit 'F' and '8' at the same time?"Capitals..

Tech Support: "Ok, let's try once more, but use lower case letters..."

Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."

Tech Support

2009-06-03T07:07:00.001-07:00

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one…

Developers

2009-06-03T06:58:00.000-07:00

Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees". The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our developers has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals disown all knowledge of the missing developer. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the developer?"

One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You FOOL! For four weeks we've been eating team leaders, managers, and project managers and no-one has noticed anything, and now YOU ate one developer and it got noticed. So hereafter please don't eat a person who is working."

Job Application

2009-06-03T06:53:00.000-07:00

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever is available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blond super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

The Email

2009-05-31T21:35:00.000-07:00

A married couple was planning to go on vacation in Key West, Florida. The man went down first, while the wife was finishing up a business meeting in New York City. The husband arrived and decided to email his wife to tell her he arrived in Key West.

After he typed his message, he accidentally typed in the wrong email address. The email went to a woman who was grieving over her recently deceased husband. The grieving woman checked her email, read the man's letter, then passed out cold. Her daughter came in and looked at the computer screen. It read:

Honey,This is your husband. I just wanted to tell you I got here OK, and I have all your bags checked in and ready for you to get here tonight so we can be together.
P.S. It sure is hot down here.

Lazy Husband

2009-05-31T21:34:00.000-07:00

This woman goes to her husband.
"The car has a flat tire" she told him.
"Does it look like I have 'firestone' written on my head?" he replied.
"Ugh" she walked outta the room.
The next day when her husband walked in from work she said.
"The dish washer down." She told him.
"Does it look like I have 'whirlpool' written on my forehead?"
"Ugh"
The next her husband came home and asked her.
"How did u get this stuff done?"
"The guy next door told me he'd fix them if I gave him a blow job or if I baked him a cake."
"Oh what kinda cake did ya bake him?" he asked her.
"Does it look like I have Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

2009-05-31T21:33:00.001-07:00

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.

Three Sons

2009-05-30T07:45:00.001-07:00

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

You are a tech addict if ...

2009-05-29T16:04:00.000-07:00

You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
You're reading this and nodding and laughing. :)

Programmers and Engineers

2009-05-29T16:00:00.000-07:00

A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.
The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!" This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Programmer.
Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer "What goes up hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?"
Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

Impossible to Please

2009-05-28T13:33:00.000-07:00

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

Set it Free

2009-05-27T09:31:00.000-07:00

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room and messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place - you either married it or gave birth to it.

Internet Addicts

2009-05-26T10:14:00.000-07:00

You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
Your start introducing yourself as "Jon at I-I-Net dot com"
Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
All of your friends have an @ in their name.
You can't call your mother..... she doesn't have a modem.
Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
You tell the cab driver you live at: http://23.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a commode.
You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
You turn on your computer and turn off your spouse.
Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage..... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."
.....AND THE #1 CLUE THAT YOUR ARE ADDICTED TO THE INTERNET IS........ Your dog has its own home page. :-)

Computer Nerd

2009-05-26T10:03:00.000-07:00

You know you're a computer nerd when you know more IP addresses than phone numbers!

Brains

2009-05-25T10:26:00.001-07:00

Husband : U know dear, our son got his brain from me.

Wife : I think he did, I've still got mine with me!

Man of the House

2009-05-25T10:24:00.001-07:00

What is a man's idea of housework?

Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

Guess Who?

2009-05-25T10:22:00.000-07:00

Absent Minded Husband

2009-05-25T10:21:00.000-07:00

No Speaking

2009-05-25T10:20:00.000-07:00

Equal Work

2009-05-25T10:19:00.000-07:00

What do you call a woman who works as hard as a man?
- Lazy!

Cost of Marriage

2009-05-25T10:18:00.000-07:00

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying

Haircut

2009-05-24T16:23:00.000-07:00

One day a Florist goes for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The Florist is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A Cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The Cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen Doughnuts waiting at his door.

A Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber and barber replies; 'I'm Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, What does he find there?

A Dozen of software engineers waiting for a free haircut......

Murphy's Laws of Computing

2009-05-23T09:03:00.000-07:00

When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
When the going gets tough, upgrade.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.